acertifieduser: (mvhappy to serve)
[personal profile] acertifieduser
Due to the unpopular nature of "Little Black Raincloud," we're starting a new story tonight.

UNTITLED #16
PART ONE


     John opened his eyes. His room reflected the city outside: gloomy, dark, and a luring invitation to sleep until the safe dawn. The putrid smell of the city wafted through his door. He sighed and breathed in, chest expanding, and absently turned his head over to his open door. There was dim lighting from a streetlamp outside the cracked hallway window. No wonder it stank.
     He was too tired to bother closing it, so instead he shut his eyes with a disgusted frown. His right eye stung suddenly. His lids snapped open and he hissed while trying to rub away the eyelash. John paused and looked at the doorway as something caught the corner of his watering eye, and his whole body went cold and rigid.
     A short, black figure sat crouched in the doorway. It didn't move, nor did it make a sound. It was rounded on top. He squinted, reaching for the ball pistol on his nightstand. John couldn't say what the thing was, but it would go away fast.
     His fingers twitched over the grip of the gun, but did not close. Something told him not to shoot. Something told him that it would be no use. John's frown tightened, and he swung his legs out of bed.
     Come with me.


I really this one is stronger. It has drama, no pop culture references, and it has a better character arc!

[Private to Jane]
I need to tell you something. Can I come see you?

Private

Date: 2011-08-20 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
Because he'll be upset if he knows that I'm telling you. Just say yes, Jane. I promise I'm not trying to take advantage of your or anything. I really want to help you! I want to save you from them.

Private

Date: 2011-08-20 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
I'll fucking break your arm if you're lying to me. Fuck whatever your warden says.

I'll meet you on deck.

Private - Spam?

Date: 2011-08-20 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
I'm not. I would never lie to you.

Two minutes.

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
[She waited on deck, sitting on top of the railing to wait. She had other plans that day, but she was curious enough to be here, waiting.]

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
[Eddie arrived almost immediately, tripping over his own feet when he first saw her, then offering her a stupid grin as he approached. The inmate straightened his sport jacket and ran a hand through his hair with the same lopsided smile.]

"Hey. You look.. You look really nice today." [He dropped his eyes, then glanced around the deck, then looked back to her again. The following statement tumbled out of his mouth awkwardly.] "It's Eddie."

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
It's always Eddie. [She looked up to him and just tilted her head to the side. She knew his attitude, of course, and realized what it was from. But she really just couldn't bring herself to care. So she gave him a sweet smile and slid off of the railing to walk towards him.]

What is he doing?

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
"No, I meant I.. You know what? Never mind." [A pause. HURRY CHANGE STRATEGIES BEFORE SHE LOSES INTEREST.] "He wants to have an intervention for you using the green because he's worried about your visual cortex and your breaking the Rules when you get back home. I told him you were fine, but he didn't believe me." [A beat.] "You don't have to go with him, you know. You could come back with me.... or anyone. I just mean you don't have to be in the danger he's talking about where you're from. But if it's hurting your visual cortex like staring into the sun, then it's still something you should be careful about because you're too amazing to hurt yourself like that."

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
[She shrugged, letting him continue. What he told her was annoying, but...she kind of saw it coming.] I'm going home. And I'm going to fix the mess people like him have made.

But...if he's trying to take it away from me, that could be a problem. He's lying. [The compliments just went right over her. She didn't care.]

And it's not harmful.

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
"Then I'll come with you. I can help keep you safe." [He offered all too eagerly.] "For now, we need to worry about Russett. Are you sure it's not harmful? I don't think you would lie to me, but he doesn't really seem like the type to lie either and it's kind of confusing if you're both saying different things and I don't know which one of you to believe. You're both generally okay people. You're more amazing. By far. But do you really think he would lie about something like this just to stop you?"

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
Forget it. Just go on with your own life. Find some bravery and fight against this system, Eddie. [She pulled the compact containing the Lime out of her pocket and showed it to him.]

And yes, I'm sure. I don't use it nearly as much as he thinks. [That's a lie, but she's so used to it by now that it doesn't matter.] And I haven't moved to Lincoln, so there's nothing to worry about. [She stepped forward and looped a finger in his pocket for just a moment.] I'm trusting you to keep him away from me and...to keep telling me what you know.

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 04:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
"I will! I do, even. Being a writer is already like fighting against the system. Everyone expects you to end up penniless and depressed and starve to death, but I'll show them! I'll be better than they ever dreamed!" [He was pulled from his impassioned speech by the sight of the Lime, though it did nothing for him. It was.. a nice color.]

"Oh." [He offered lamely as she was coming closer, then his smile wavered out of anxious excitement and he shifted where he stood, waiting and hoping that this might continue in his favor.] "I'll try! I don't really know how to keep him away, especially because he can throw me in Zero pretty easily, but I'll try. For you."

[A dramatic pause.] "And I'll definitely keep telling you everything I find out!"

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
[She knew what she was doing. Most of the Previous here were so wrapped up in sex that they would do anything for it. And, while she engaged in it partly because she liked it and couldn't do it as easily at home, there was another part of her that did it because she knew it would get her what she needed. And Jane was more than willing to do anything it took to get what she wanted. She still deluded herself into thinking that it was for the good of other people, but it wasn't. She was turning out worse than the people she had been fighting against. She had become too caught up in her own crusade to see how it was affecting her.

So she kept close.]

If he puts you in Zero, I'll let you out. But I do appreciate your help.

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
[Eddie tentatively reached out a hand to set gingerly on her waist, but immediately lifted it and curled his fingers into a fist and then stretched them out again. It was the ultimate hesitation. He was, of course, completely oblivious to the manipulative ways of Jane. She had her problems, of course, but Eddie was more than willing to look past those.]

"I'll do whatever I can." [He replied dumbly, caught up in the potential for physical affection.]

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 05:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
[She reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face.]

I know you will. But I keep the Lime somewhere he can't find it. And he can't come after me. He's too stupid to really do anything.

[Stepping forward, she kissed him gently, something she had not yet done. But this was serious. If Eddie was going to start rallying people against her, she needed an ally.]

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
[Eddie kissed back immediately and, even when she had broken the kiss, he leaned into the space between them briefly. Then he was grinning like an idiot.] "If you need a place to hide from him, or to hide the Lime, you know you can use my room. You could even.. spend the night.. if you wanted. Whatever it takes to keep him away from you."

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 07:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebestnose.livejournal.com
[She stood back and shook her head.] Not right now. But I'll let you know.

But I should go. Don't want anyone to think that we're planning anything. Shoo. [She smirked and headed towards the door.]

Spam!

Date: 2011-08-20 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
[Eddie actually clicked his heels and began moving quickly away, then stopped when she started moving toward the door. He grinned apologetically and pivoted around to walk in the opposite direction toward.. nothing in particular. To be less suspicious, of course.]

Date: 2011-08-20 01:56 am (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Speak)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
Oh... Good.

A bard.

Why can I not escape your kind, even here?

Date: 2011-08-20 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
Wow. That's.. actually kind of flattering. Thank you.

Date: 2011-08-20 02:13 am (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Grumble...)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
'Tis not a compliment.

Date: 2011-08-20 03:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
Being a bard? Bards are inspired!

Date: 2011-08-20 03:29 am (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Humph...)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
Yes... Most often with annoyances.

Date: 2011-08-20 08:22 pm (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Smile - Amused)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
Excellent! Already our relationship is providing unforeseen benefits!

Date: 2011-08-21 02:49 am (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Evil)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
Does this mean I'll be safe from more of your artistic drivel?

Date: 2011-08-21 04:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
You're the one who chose to read it.

Date: 2011-08-21 09:31 pm (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Smile - Sneaky)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
And you chose to write of it.

Date: 2011-08-22 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
That's because it's awesome.

Date: 2011-08-22 02:20 am (UTC)
tis_disapproval: (Smile - Chuckle)
From: [personal profile] tis_disapproval
I can think of other descriptive terms...

Date: 2011-08-22 06:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
You should take them elsewhere.

Date: 2011-08-20 02:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] failedcreator.livejournal.com
I quite like this story! It is a fine beginning.

Date: 2011-08-20 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
Thank you! I really appreciate it, Victor. How do you feel about the name 'John?' I was worried it might be too simple.

Date: 2011-08-20 03:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] failedcreator.livejournal.com
I have great affection for this name! Does it not make him pleasing to many men?

Date: 2011-08-20 04:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
I don't know. 'John Doe' or 'John Smith' is considered kind of the average, generic name. I like it and I think it has some good substance, but I don't want it to be too plain.

Date: 2011-08-21 09:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] failedcreator.livejournal.com
I do not think it plain! It is a good, strong name.

Date: 2011-08-27 11:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] failedcreator.livejournal.com
Please do so, sir. You have considerable talent.

Date: 2011-08-20 02:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] expectremorse.livejournal.com
Give the man a gun and you'll automatically have my interest. Thank God.

Date: 2011-08-20 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
It's more dramatic!

Date: 2011-08-20 02:25 pm (UTC)
darknessb4me: (mirrorverse - hail to the king)
From: [personal profile] darknessb4me
Don't let the wardens get you down, Spinola.

Date: 2011-08-20 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
Thanks, Arthas! I won't. They don't understand what it's like to really, truly care about and believe in something. I can't blame them for it.

Date: 2011-08-20 04:32 pm (UTC)
darknessb4me: (being a smartass)
From: [personal profile] darknessb4me
Hell, I pity them.

Date: 2011-08-20 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] acertifieduser.livejournal.com
I don't pity them, but I wish they could understand what it's like. They might be happier.